From the moment our eyes met, time stood still. Its purpose is to hold me fixed in space, time and circumstance, or I dissolve into nonentity. I breakfast in silence, because I am still trailing the cobwebs of my dreams: for our story to be real. But time anchors my vagrant mind that one cannot chase it.
But this is precisely what troubles me. I hate to be out of control. With love, I have always been the mistress, but with time, either a tender friend or a most subtle enemy. So I cannot recapture it. I cannot even tell when it ends. Maybe not today or tomorrow. But it will tell me that you are mine and I am yours, in time.
Looking back now, from my experience of one-sided love, it is very easy to believe that the experience may repeat itself and that next time i may not be so fortunate. Before it was like a game. I lost and gained nothing. I felt no regret, no disappointment. I had only the sudden poignant memory of him grinning at me across the table after our first all-night adventure. He said, “Goodbye Angelie.’ From then on, he became my beautiful goodbye. I withdrew from that memory but still wrestled with it in small dark hours of tears before I sleep. Still, a beautiful goodbye yet a painful one.
Remember that the only lover who can break your heart is the one you depend on. I wish you are now so that I could ask you the questions that are plaguing me. What do you do when you can’t let go? Where do you turn when you can’t read the street signs because tears are swelling in your eyes? Again, I write my thoughts and the next thing I knew I am falling all over again.
Finally, I think have launched you on the crucial part of our love story, the one which should take us to the graveyard where bodies are buried. I used the words in a metaphorical sense, but I have the uneasy sense that the metaphor is very close to a fact:that you killed “us.” And that all the beasts of your subconscious are set free to threaten me. In this case, it is possible that all I am hearing is not an elaborate fairy tale but a tragedy.