Sad Smile (part II)

“I am very close to madness but desperately afraid to fall in. I CANNOT READ A TEXTBOOK; THE WORDS JUMBLE THEMSELVES INTO GIBBERISH. But this malady can’t be cured by my favorite cake. So to affirm my remaining sanity, I am on a voyage more dangerous by the ancient navigators, a voyage to the center of myself and away from him.”

I never thought that there will be a part II for this entry. I never imagined it but with a close call from reality, I know I will have to write again to prevent myself from breaking, from falling. As I watched the silent tears from my eyes, I pity myself but I’m too proud to have my chin up because I know I will have no regrets in the future time.

I have been saying my goodbye for so long now but still I was not ready to leave. Maybe now or after writing this, I would find the courage to do so.

Having been able to give him a chance to prove the benefit of the doubt, that he’s worthy to be called a friend, a best friend or whatever you call it was never easy. I have to let my guard down once again which I am pretty much sure that I will not be able to do again.

Actually, honest to goodness, I miss him now. It’s normal to miss him given the memories we had; we had so much to cherish that it pained me to recall every laughter we shared. How sad to miss someone who doesn’t feel the same way anymore, not anymore. Ironic ! I miss the unlikely friendship we had- we had a special and rarest kind of that.

I could write him a book if he stayed a little longer with me. The thought that he’s going to leave anyway can’t compensate all the wonderful memories we made along the way. It was my mistake of holding him that long when it’s clear that he wanted a way out. If only he was honest enough or even frank enough to confront me that he’s too damn tired for my caprices.

This is the price I have to pay. If only letting him go is easy as eating a piece of my favorite cake; if only watching him leave is easy as writing his name in my notebook; if only not receiving a text from him is easy as sleeping like a baby; if only seeing him in a distant is easy as doing stargazing at the cemetery or at the top of the hill. So many if only’s with my heart’s being crushed again for trusting someone who eventually left me hanging in an open air.

I know this is not an easy battle I have to take but I am confident that I am strong enough to walk ahead without turning my head back and no more what-could-have-been’s ?

Soon, I will forget everything about him. I will forget every memory of how he looked at me like I’m the most beautiful girl in the world; I will forget every memory of how he hugged me like he never wanted to let go; I will forget every memory of how he stared at me when he thinks that I didn’t notice. Soon, I will forget why I allowed myself to share such a special friendship.

Someday, if ever our paths will cross, I know that I can only gaze at him with a sad smile.

 

“Honestly, saying I miss those times is an understatement; I want it to happen again but it would be next to impossible.”

 

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