Sad Smile :'(

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What, you too? I thought I was the only one.” ― C.S. Lewis 

                 As I tried to stare at my phone again, then and only then that I realized, I am waiting for nothing. I know I am to be blamed. It was my choice; the choice I have to pay and bargain my happiness once again. But he will never know the reason behind until he found the courage to plead for it. I can never tell and maybe, just maybe, time would tell.

                It’s hard to admit that I’m sad again and knowing that I have to undergo this stage once again makes me feel so stupid. I never learned from the past and so I have to re-learn it and master the art of letting go so that I will be happy again soon.

                I have come so far that I enjoyed being with myself but not until that fateful day that I met him. It was never my intention to create an attachment towards him. I guess it happened unexpectedly that it came out of my control. I really thought it would just be nothing. It was nothing until having him as a constant companion gave me warning bells and all the threat-detected-signs.

                 I could have written an alphabet poem or a short story but a poem is difficult to construct at this moment and with the short story, I already have written something about it. I don’t know what to call this stuff though. Maybe a closure for myself because in the first place, there was never us.

                When I tried to look back, I thought it’s pointless but while I was walking home an hour ago, I remembered everything we’ve shared. Many call it “memories” but memories for me are not that easy to handle. Memories are good if you don’t have to deal with the past. We have it for some time and maybe I’ll just have to treasure it and soon forget. I don’t know.

                I don’t know if I would like to forget it but I’m quite sure that I don’t want to remember it. The irony is that “I must forget to remember; I must remember to forget.” According to Edgar Dale’s theory about Cone of Experience, people generally remember 70% of what they say and write. The outcome would give the foundation of the cone. We analyze, define, create and evaluate; there goes effective learning. However, the sad news is that people generally remember 10% of what they read. So if by chance, he’ll be able to read this, only 10% of what I’ve written will be remembered. But that’s not the end of the theory, it was being said that if a person has a direct purposeful experience, he will remember it 90%. My point is that I don’t care anymore. I deprived myself of caring to lessen the burden.

                My fingers are shaking while typing in this keyboard. I am in the verge of crying and preventing my tears to fall because I’m too tired to cry again. I may have no right to feel what I am feeling right now but believe me if I cannot let this out through writing, I could go crazy or more likely, I could die. I just can’t bear it anymore. Two days passed and I don’t know what happened to me. Gone was the cheerful girl who loves to talk and see the brighter side of my life. All the pressure is on me and I can’t get it out of my head. I want to scream my heart out but I cannot. I don’t even want to talk. I want to be alone because I want to find myself again. I’m lost.

                I told myself before to create a wall among strangers, to never let them crush the wall I built but I think the foundation of the wall was too weak to support itself and I have to rebuild it and make sure that it’s with a strong foundation. It would be pliant like a bamboo that whatever storms along the way, it would surely survive.

                A letter for him is a cliché. He can never appreciate it and it saddened me when he returned what I’ve written for him. One reason that I should hate him though I know I cannot. Just like the other people in my life, we have our fair share of wonderful memories that it hurts to look back because it will never happen again.  

                I will always remember him under the falling rain. How we talked and laughed while walking and the heavy rains falling down on those dark abandoned streets with no street lights on and how the waters overflowed. It was fun and exciting! I will also remember him in that memorable car park because I was able to conquer my trauma sitting in that old familiar pavement. I never thought I could set foot again in that place but I did and I can’t feel anything anymore. I never told him about it. I remembered him nagging at me which he always does. I remembered everything and I just wish I can’t.

                We share an unlikely friendship because we were never the good friends they see us to be. We were more likely cat and dog. I can never handle my temper when it comes to him and no matter how he tried, he’ll lose control and we end up fighting. We always do. And the sweetest thing in the world is having been able to fight and say sorry afterwards with your pride still intact. But I have to admit, I was never sweet same as he, but he pretended to care or so I thought.

                The memories we made are wonderful; too wonderful to just let it go but sometimes, there are things we have to let go, things we have to leave behind but it is not the end of the world. It’s the beginning of understanding that it will leave a lesson for me to learn. I have left him with questions unanswered or maybe I have left him hanging which I’m never good at. I can’t say goodbye because I don’t want our friendship to end just like that but I can’t guarantee to be with him for what, for forever if it does exist, because I know at the end of the day, I would be empty-handed. I will be the one left alone. Selfish I may be, but I tell you it’s not easy having a life moving on with your heart’s crushed all by yourself. I cannot let myself get carried away by the first person who treats me a little differently. I know he’s not better, they’re just different.

                Honestly, I can’t take the risk of being with him anymore with my feelings compromised. The more we get close together, the more the attachment, the more he will likely become a special someone. I am afraid of that because I know I will never be special to him. I have renounced myself to absolutely feel something for someone. I was doing fine keeping that promise to myself. I was able to shield myself from that potent emotion until he came along.

                I should be happy because I have learned to care again though I can never trust anyone again. Trust has been a crucial issue for me. But for now, I have to sacrifice such happiness as what I always do before, to rescue someone else’s burden for I cannot truly be happy if I will have to hurt someone and that someone is myself. I cannot let my guard down.

                It’s just funny and rather sad to miss him now that he’s not asking me anymore if I have missed him. How can I miss someone who’s always been with me, right? Now that he’s gone, I will have to miss him forever.

                I hope if our paths crossed again, he will still call me by the name he used to call me and treat me like a friend that I will always be and that he’ll be able to flash a smile because he’ll remember how we walked in the rain, how we talked and fight over silly things and all that stuff.

                I hope that he will miss me too and he’ll think about a girl so mean, so demanding but he still finds her adorable in any ways. I hope too, that he will remember me not as the one who indulge him in whatever games he was playing but as the girl who spun the world around his fingernails and glued the sun in his eyes.

                We may not be like before, I cannot be with him if he needs me, we may not be able to share our happiness and pain but one’s thing for sure, he will have to be the guy who shall not be named but will forever be etched in my memory.

                With that thought, I will have to let go with a sad smile.

 

“That’s why I loved being with you. We could do the simplest things, like toss starfish into the ocean and share a burger and talk and even then I knew that I was fortunate. Because you were the first guy who wasn’t constantly trying to impress me. You accepted who you were, but more than that, you accepted me for me. And nothing else mattered– not my family or your family or anyone else in the world. It was just us.”
― Nicholas SparksThe Best of Me

 

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2 Comments

  1. Hugs Clang! You have to believe that this will be over very soon. This is not a hopeless case. You just have to be courageous enough to really let go (just like what you are doing now). Its like holding a beautiful balloon, but now letting it go so that it can even triumph in the sky, though there will be possibilities of really losing such forever…

    Sometimes, we fear to put an end to our own suffering or have reservations of really moving forward because we think that would mean throwing away all the memories. But like you’ve said, the memories will be yours to keep and to reflect upon forever. But the most important thing to do now, is to love yourself all the more and to enjoy the present moment. There’s more to life! ❤ Cheers!

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